A young Manhattan dietitian hanged herself in her West Village apartment after posting a suicide note online in which she apologized to her mom and said she “felt absolutely nothing during what should have been the happiest and darkest times in my life,” police sources said Thursday.
San Francisco native Tara Condell, 27, was found dead with a cloth around her neck inside the bedroom of her home on West 10th Street around 4:30 p.m. Wednesday after police were called to the residence for a wellness check, sources said.
Worried co-workers called the cops after Condell did not show up for work at the Midtown office of Top Balance Nutrition on Wednesday — and saw that Condell posted the note to her website, according to sources.
One of Condell’s co-workers was waiting outside the woman’s home by the time cops arrived.
In addition to the note left on her website, Condell left another suicide note in a folder in her living room, sources said.
Condell — who, according to her website, is a registered dietitian nutritionist specializing in general nutrition, weight management, gastrointestinal disease and diabetes care — apologized to her mother at the end of the note posted to her site, saying, “I’m really sorry mama.”
The young woman began the note — which was titled, “I Hate The Word ‘Bye,’ But See You Later Maybe?” — writing, “I have written this note several times in my head for over a decade, and this one finally feels right. No edits, no overthinking. I have accepted hope is nothing more than delayed disappointment, and I am just plain old-fashioned tired of feeling tired.”
“I realize I am undeserving of thinking this way because I truly have a great life on paper. I’m fortunate to eat meals most only imagine. I often travel freely without restriction. I live alone in the second greatest American city (San Francisco, you’ll always have my heart). However, all these facets seem trivial to me,” Condell wrote.
She continued: “It’s the ultimate first world problem, I get it. I often felt detached while in a room full of my favorite people; I also felt absolutely nothing during what should have been the happiest and darkest times in my life. No single conversation or situation has led me to make this decision, so at what point do you metaphorically pull the trigger?”
Condell then went on to list all the things she’d miss, which included New York Times crosswords, “That one charcuterie board with taleggio AND ‘nduja. Anything Sichuan ma la, but that goes without saying. A perfect plate of carbonara (no cream!). Real true authentic street tacos. Cal-Italian cuisine. Hunan Bistro’s fried rice. The pork belly and grape mini from State Bird Provisions circa 2013. Popeye’s of course. Bambas too.”
She added that she would also miss “unexpected hugs, Al Green’s Simply Beautiful. Cherries in July. Tracing a sleeping eyebrow. Smoking cigarettes. The Golden Gate Bridge at sunset. That first sip of iced cold brew in sticky August. Making eye contact with people walking down the street. When songs feel like they’re speaking to your soul. Jeopardy. Saying I love you. Late night junk food binges. Shooting the s–t. And especially the no-destination-in-sight long walks.”
Condell asked for “No GoFundMes, no funeral, no tributes, no doing-too-much please.”
“All I ask now is for you to have one delicious (I mean a really really great) meal in my honor and let me go, no exceptions,” she wrote.
“It’s selfishly time for me to be happy and I know you can get down with that. Please try to remember me as a whole human you shared memories with and not just my final act. This is not your fault. It’s not exactly easy for me either, I’m here for you. I love you. I always have and I always will, I promise. Shikata ga’nai.”
“I’m coming home, Dad. Make some room up on that cloud and turn the Motown up.”
Before signing the note, “Always, TLC,” Condell wrote, “I’m really sorry mama.”
Her body was taken to the morgue for an autopsy, sources said.
Condell received her bachelor’s degree in dietetics from San Francisco State University and earned her master’s of science in clinical nutrition from New York University, according to an online bio on the company website for Top Balance Nutrition.
Condell listed her “favorite things in life” as “food, helping people, and science,” according to the bio.
“Tara realized nutrition was her calling after being the sole caretaker of a critically ill parent and seeing how nutrition interactions in the body play a huge role in health,” the bio reads.
Condell’s Instagram page is filled with photos of her dining around the world at locations including Vietnam, Peru, Italy, Mexico and Germany.
“Tara was a talented dietitian loved by all of her patients and coworkers,” Maria Bella, the founder of Top Balance Nutrition, said on behalf of her team. “But beyond that, she was a true friend who always extended her kindness to those around her.”
If you or someone you know is feeling suicidal you can get help by contacting the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1-800-273-8255.