Ah, Valentine’s Day: It’s a time for heartfelt gifts, that ever-elusive date night, and ~romance~. Except, of course, when it’s not that at all.
In an AskReddit thread that started just in time for the big day, readers were asked to share the worst possible Valentine’s Day gift you could get your significant other. Redditors told their stories of either giving a terrible gift or receiving one, making for a series of LOL-worthy epic Valentine’s fails that would make Cupid bow his head in shame.
Here are a few of the best (and by “best,” I mean “most painful and/or hilarious”) responses.
1. Candy and a Card (With, Um, a Twist)
“Girl I started dating a couple of months before Valentine’s Day had just gotten out of a long-term relationship with her high school sweetheart. I didn’t know she was still in contact with him when we were dating. She handed me a cute little bag with candy and a card. As I ob pened the card, I read her pouring out her soul to her ex-boyfriend about how much she still thinks about him and loves him. Evidently, she made two gift bags – one for me and one for the ex – and mixed them up.” –Shlong_Roy
2. A Spud From the Bottom Of Your Rotten Heart
“I saved a potato in the freezer that was in the perfect shape of a heart. I put it in there in June for February. When I got it out and proudly gave it to my wife, it literally turned black and started leaking juices in front of her. In theory, it was cute. In practice, it was like a death threat.” –W00dzy87
3. Safe Driving
“I got my girlfriend new tires for her car. She cried (happy tears) and said it’s the most romantic thing anyone has ever done for her. My girlfriend is weird, and I feel like I’ve failed at romance.” –bigfatguy64
4. A Major Relationship Wake-Up Call
“Found out my girlfriend of almost five years was cheating on me today (the day before Valentine’s Day), so probably that? On the plus side, kicking her ass out will be fun. I teared up calling her dad (he offered to help move her out), but no tears while telling her, which I think is hilarious.” –RabidPancakes
5. Gender Equality (Sorta)
“This year, I got my girlfriend a peequality product. If you’re not familiar with it, it’s a purple sillicon plastic fake dick tube that allows girls to stand up to pee. She marched in that women’s protest earlier this year. So I thought if she wants to stand up for equality, what better way to do that than standing up to pee?” –durpojones
“Once, I ordered my girlfriend flowers that didn’t arrive (or were stolen from the porch), so I gave her the delivery confirmation instead. It was not as funny as I thought it would be.” –wacht
7. An Awesome Sex Toy
“Probably not the worst for her, but definitely will be for you. I bought mine a Hitachi Wand last Valentine’s Day since we work opposite shifts. I’ve literally gotten laid 69 percent less over the last year!” –plax1780
8. A Homemade Sexytimes Coupon Book
“A homemade “free X” coupon book. You know… sexy stuff. Because one day, she’ll be mad at you and you, being the asshole you are, will gleefully pull out one of those. And that day you’ll know what it’s like to have a rake give you head.” –MistahZig
9. A Useful Kitchen Appliance
“I bought my wife a microwave for our first Valentine’s day back in 2005. She had just moved into her new place and needed a microwave… not sure why everyone didn’t see how thoughtful I was being.” –RealAnthonyCamp
10. A Cleaning Product
“When I asked my S.O. what she wanted one year, she said an H2O steamer mop. Cost me about £100, and she got flowers, chocolates and a date night on top of it. But of course, whenever telling the story, it has become the time I got her a mop for Valentine’s Day.” –AfricanSunset
Answers have been lightly edited for spelling and grammar.